40 days until we get to meet our little bundle of joy: a true gift from God. Baby Girl Newton, you’re such a blessing to Daddy and I, and we love you so much already. I’m writing a letter to you everyday until you make your grand entrance. Letter #1:
Dear Baby Girl,
I had music on this morning as I was cleaning up the kitchen and this happy-feel-good song came on. It’s the sort of song that makes me smile and want to dance. Despite the peppy beat, the beginning lyrics of the song sing a sad story:
“Do you know what it’s like
To fall on the floor
Cry your guts out
‘Til you got no more”
And it struck me, right there, as I was standing by the kitchen sink. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I remembered how much I used to cry and long for the blessing of children. I’ve wanted to be a Mommy for a very long time. And now I am a Mommy, even though you haven’t been born yet. I am so excited to meet you and this excitement is such a stark contrast to how I used to feel before you were put in my tummy.
There were times when I felt like I wasn’t meant to have you, because month after month, my female cycle would start again, which meant to me that God was saying, “Danielle, I do not have children in My plan for you.” This broke my heart many times, but I stayed firm in my faith that God would give us a child if it was in His plan. I always knew, even before I became a Christian and started loving God with all my heart, that I was not in control of creating you. When God wanted us to have children, He would give them to us. But even though I was faithful in this area of my life, and I loved God with all my heart, I still felt empty and alone a lot of the time.
Sometimes, when your Daddy was at his overnight dialysis treatments, I’d take advantage of the alone time I had and I’d cry my eyes out over my desires to be a Mommy. The house would be too quiet, and I’d walk into the almost empty “Green Room” and I’d start to break down. I’d wish that the Green Room could be full of toys, laughter, storybooks, bedtime prayers and a little boy or girl that would hug and kiss me goodnight and say “I love you Mommy.” So I’d leave the Green Room and flop down on the couch and like the song says, cry my guts out ‘til I had no more. After I would stop crying, I’d pray to God and ask Him to please give us children. This went on for quite some time. He finally answered “yes” to my request and on July 10, 2010 – your Daddy and I learned that we were pregnant with you. (and even though you were really tiny, I knew you would be beautiful)
That song today reminded me of those sad and alone times and that’s why I was crying today by the kitchen sink. And I’m crying now as I write this letter to you. When you’re old enough to read this, I hope you’ll fully understand the difference between “sad tears” and “happy tears”. The tears I am crying right now as I write this are definitely happy ones. There is so much happiness and joy in my heart for you, and for God, who put you in my tummy. I can’t wait until you are born so that I can love you and teach you about the source of this love. Where does this love come from? The source of this love is a man – His most common name is God, but He does have lots of other names. He created this world and everything in it, and we are to give glory to Him for it. One of the best ways to give God this glory is to say “Thank You” to Him. So today, I am saying, “Thank you God”, for creating you and putting you in my tummy. You are a true gift of God, one of the best gifts we could ever receive, and I am so happy!
With all the love my heart holds,
Your Mommy
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